"Killing Criticism" with Confidence, Composure, and Control
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 at 02:03PM "Fogging" the art of Killing Criticisms - Improving Communication in Important Relationships
What happens when you throw a rock into a cloud of fog?… Nothing. Critical comments are words like sticks and stones. They hurt when they hit. Fogging is a technique to avoid getting “hit” with criticism and hurtful comments. This works especially well in marriage communication. Fogging requires self-restraint and careful listening. Fogging involves listening and responding only to the “element” of truth. Any reflection of an exception to the truth leads to more argument.
Critical comments range from 0% true to 100% true. The more truth you can agree with a critical statement the more control you have in the interaction. The more you disagree, the more you reflect the “rock” back to the thrower.
100% True – Possible responses: “You are absolutely right” or “That is 100% right” or “I hate to admit it but that is true.” If you know it is true, agree with it, and it will end the argument.
99% to 1% – When you can agree with some of what they say. Possible responses: “I am like that a lot.” “I do that a lot don’t I.” “I am like that sometimes.” “There are times when I do that.” “A part of me agrees with you.” “There are a few times when that is true.”
0% True – Rarely will anyone say something completely off base. However, if you honestly cannot see any truth to their statement, here are some options.
If you are taken by surprise completely - Ask “What do you mean by that?” Be careful to listen for the element of truth. If there is a hint of logic and reason to their criticism - Respond “Perhaps from your perspective it might look like that.”
If the person is just trying to be hurtful – “Do you really mean that?” “Do you really mean what you just said?”
Fogging is not “waffelling.” It is not giving in. It is staying in control of the interaction. The fogger decides what element of truth there is to the criticism. Agreeing with what you don’t genuinely agree with is manipulative and self-destructive.
EXAMPLE
Jen:. “Jim you are such a slob, you never pick up after yourself”
Jim: “You are right, I struggle to put my clothes in the hamper.” (Jen was being hurtful, notice how Jim defuses potential conflict by defining what is meant by Jen If Jim is wrong, you can bet Jen will make sure to correct him.)
Jen: [cont.] “Struggle?” “How can you run a business when you can’t even take care of your clothes?” (Jim “fogged” the slob argument, Jen picked up another “rock” – the “can’t run business” argument.)
Jim: “What do you mean.” (Unsure of what the comment was about, Jim asks.)
Jen: “You always forget to take care of the small things that turn into big ones.” (This is the new “rock.” There was nowhere else for Jen to go.)
Jim: That is more true than I would like to admit.”
When people are rude or insensitive they are communicating from a place of hurt, or fear. Fogging will normally force a question from the person who is being critical. The Next letter will deal with answering these questions effectively.
For more information go to ChangesYou.com and Download the article in the Download section!
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When a couple hits a rough spot in their marriage – and even the most happily married couple will hit rough spots along the way – they often will go to a psychologist or marriage therapist for therapy for a while, then perhaps a trial separation. If things don’t work out pretty quickly, they get divorced. One, two, three – it’s just that simple. Of course, it’s really not that simple for the kids and the rest of the family or for the new families formed by remarriage. But when things are at their worst in the marriage, divorce may appear to be in the easiest way out at the time. http://www.newportpsychotherapy.com/psychology_topics/divorce_marriage_therapy_therapist.html
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